Liquid Nonsense

I love the arts, especially the martial ones. Years ago I remember when I was first signing up and they were touting all the benefits that they bring. Examples included more energy, feeling better about yourself in general, self-confidence, and a greater sense of clarity. Every single one of them turned out to be true. In fact, the martial arts are the single greatest workout available second only to swimming due to the complete usage of body, the necessary coordination, and the explosive movement necessary to be truly effective. The mental benefits are the ones that always surprise me though. After a really good workout (I had a two hour one tonight) I'm usually pretty deep in my head.

Sometimes I really enjoy these reflective states and other times not so much. Tonight is one of those not-so-much cases. After a while of mulling things over I feel as emotionally and mentally depleted as I do physically. The expression to explain this is "fatigue the body to strengthen the mind." Unfortunately, the process of mind-strengthening is often a tiring one.

Tonight I've been reflecting on various doubts in my life. Maybe calling them doubts is inaccurate, more of uncertainties. None of them in particular, I just sort of let them bubble up to the surface and address them as they come to me.

Honestly, this is exactly the kind of mood I'm not supposed to be in by myself. Sometimes I feel like my poor mind is much to fragile to be wandering out there by itself without a chaperone.

Nothing gives me more to think about than relationships. I also want to clarify that I don't mean that in a negative sense. Even thinking about plenty of good things can be mentally fatiguing. My sub-conscience mind has ways of telling me that I'm making progress in life and that I should always address potential pitfalls early on before they enter my waking reality.

No one ever falls in love enough times to get good at it. So everyday we just have to hold our head high and take an emotional leap of faith that the people we love and trust will be there to catch us. Especially when we need it the most.

Either way, I'm looking forward to a good hug tomorrow.

"Like the Universe sitting on your face,
Plugged into Gaia's Brain, in a Wyrd dripping cavernous Labyrinth
Following the String of semi-madness
Brain gymnastics, sonic elastics, frying the mind circuits

The psychedelic circus is in town

Shamans, pagans, pixies + elves, wizards, lizards, physicians + magicians
visible language, visual music, the carnival of the Divine Imagination" *


If an old wise man on a mountain top were to pose the questions "Why would man seek psychoactive hallucinogenic drugs" to the Universe, the Universe would respond with "go listen to Shpongle."

I don't even remember how I came across these guys (the group is composed of two individuals: Simon Posford and Raja Ram). If I recall correctly it was from back in the immediate post-Napster days when kazaa was first picking up steam. One evening I was browsing through collections and saw the name "Shpongle" and just downloaded the two or three tracks the user had. Minutes later I was hooked.

Their music is difficult to classify. It's not fast or strong enough to be Goa Trance. It isn't chaotic enough to be blip hop. Not enough words to belong to electroclash. Isn't backgroundy enough to be true ambient. The people at Wiki have classified it as "psychedelic downtempo" and "psybient." I'm more partial to the word psybient. In fact, I'm going to try and work that into a conversation tomorrow.

Regardless, the music is astoundingly beautiful, complex, and electronic in nature. As artistry goes, I know very few artists that can successfully apply musical theory, synthetic sounds, real sounds, real instruments, and fake instruments and produce something that sounds wholly organic. Much of their music is not real, but sounds more 'natural' than most nature sounds.

Shpongle puts me in my happy place. The middle of my happy place. The happy place where the unending horizon of Now arcs around a donut-like reality resembling a moebius strip.

Maybe I like it so much because it reminds me of my dreams. Something in my subconscious can't help but love the music.

Long story short, way too late, apparently last year they released another CD that I didn't know existed. Shpongle: Nothing lasts...Nothing is Lost. I ordered it less than 5 minutes after discovering its existence.

* From the liner notes of Shpongle: Tales of the Inexpressible (all rights reserved)

A few days ago I learned that there was going to be another Hitman video game. Honestly, this is the first time in several months that I have been really excited for a game to be coming out. I remember the first time I loaded up Hitman: Codename 47 and the supreme sense awesomeness that I felt for a game that said my entire inventory was a Silver Baller handgun, a set of binoculars, and a piano wire.

Then, a few years later they released Hitman 2: Stealth Assassin. Once again, our hero (anti-hero?) has come out of retirement to kill those responsible for kidnapping the priest that gave meaning back to his life. Following a trail of blood and tears you ultimately got sweet, sweet satisfaction looking down the barrel of a Walther WA2000 Sniper Rifle.

About a year and a half ago they graced as with Hitman: Contracts. Someone warned the prey you were coming, so you played the game as a series of re-enactments of the events leading up to the present in a sort of hallucinatory state. Some levels from the other games were redone, and there were entire new levels of blood soaked sneaking. The environments were sharper, and the non-player characters were more alert than ever.

At the end of this month the saga continues. Oh yes, I will be purchasing a copy of Hitman: Blood Money. Once again our man 47 is taking contracts, and this time he's not alone. There's another assassin in the mix, and any mission now could be a setup... This is going to be so, so sweet.

Did anyone else's penis twitch watching the trailer, or is it just me??

I use the interweb to find all sorts of crazy shit. A good example would would be old vintage cartoons, especially cartoons that I remember from own past. This night's entertainment included episode 1 of season 2 of the Thundercats.

Good Christ this shit is awful. Spectacularly awful. The voice acting alone stands as a monument to the progress of animation over the last 15-20 years. I remember thinking this was awesome, and through the eyes of a child I can understand that, but damn. Why my parents didn't smack the shit out of me and tell me to watch some decent cartoons I may never know.

I know there were some decent cartoons I watched as a child because it was only within the last year I managed to track down a COMPLETE copy of The Mysterious Cities of Gold. Watching it in my 20s I realize that it is a far cry from what I would call modern day anime quality, but the fact I could actually stand it and still find things to applaud is fairly impressive.

Another show I remember semi-well is Belle and Sebastian. The show dealt with many complicated matters that clearly sailed over young-child Chris. At least that's how I'd like to remember it since I don't think I'll ever be able to actually track down a copy of this.

We also can't remember such joys as Captain N: The Gamemaster. Nintendo totally had to cash in on this one because I can't imagine them giving up the rights free gratis to the names from their biggest franchises ever (Metroid, PunchOut!, Megaman, Castlevania, and Zelda to name a few). Today I would probably find this totally devoid of any meaningful plot, but it still has a warm spot for all the video game references in one place.

If asked about how much of my childhood was spent watching Count Duckula, I may very well lie. Lie right to your face. A bald face lie so obvious that children will cry upon hearing it. Nonetheless, I feel that a teleporting castle in Transylvania, powered by a duck hopping into a coffin no less, could only have been inspired by drugs. Lots of them.

In order to counteract the accidental World War II propaganda my parents showed me I'm sure they had to dig up something ridiculously cute and adorable. Enter the Shirt Tale Gang. So sweet you may actually get cavities from more than ten minutes of exposure. I actually remember recording an episode or two of this and watching it when I was like six or seven. Craziness I say.

I distinctly remember a point somewhere around 5th grade when my friend Matt moved back from Colorado. I also remember going swimming with him one weekend and getting the shit burnt out of my from the burning, burning sun. I also remember sitting on the couch watching Rude Dog and the Dweebs. So many colors....soooo many colors.

One show that I remember distinctively well, mostly because I know I loved it, was probably so far over my head I didn't even really know what I was watching. Today I'm convinced that I am the only person who has EVER seen it, because anytime I mention it or describe it, I just get funny glares. Spartakus and the Sun beneath the Sea was actually quite complicated. At least I think it was...



Upon looking back at my childhood it really isn't any wonder I'm such a big fan of anime now. I didn't even realize how many of my favorites were actually originally created in Japan and re-dubbed for America. There was also some kind of animated movie I remember watching that is just sitting on the edge of my awareness. I remember it had something to do with a rabbit and his ability to run super fast, but that's about all I can come up with. One of these nights when I have some more time I'm going to try and hunt it down just so I can know what it's about.

Also, while I'm thinking about it: any information leading to digital copies of any of the aforementioned animated works (with the exception of The Mysterious Cities of Gold, because I already have it) is entitled to getting felated. I want to compare these "works" with modern productions for the sake of developing perspective and a benchmark.

This last semester I took university physics 2 (electromagnetism and optics) at Mesa Community College because ASU said I still needed one more science with lab credit before they were willing to confer a degree upon me, and quite frankly a 100 level science course isn't worth my time at ASU.

The only other classes I've taken at community college were Japanese language courses. I remember that while Japanese as a language was difficult, the actual class structure itself was not. I did homework "sometimes," and test preparation was virtually non-existent and somehow I managed to get B's for Japanese 101-202.

I'd like to start this off by saying that I did all of jack and shit for my physics class. I honestly did less than 20% of the homework. The total amount of time I spent for test preparation, final included, amounted to less than 4 hours for an entire semester. The time I did spent studying was not so much "practicing problems" as much as "glancing over and reading chapter summaries." I certainly don't make claims about being a brilliant mathematician or physicist that can just pull this shit out of my ass. Somehow, even though I did so staggeringly little work, I managed to pull a B. There was a time of genuine concern that I might get a D in this class and have to retake it over the summer in condensed, and ridiculously irritating, form.

Today I am investigating how to have these last few credits transferred over to ASU and then it's just a matter of registering for one fluff credit at ASU. The last thing standing between me and graduating with honors is my honors thesis credit which I've technically already done, just never announced on paper.

I think something in my head finally snapped today. My job has irritated me before, but today for the first time I actually said "I hate my job" to myself. We've been maintaining a death march pace for the last several weeks working on the dumbest shit.

The real problem though, and it finally hit me like a ton of bricks tonight, is that it's bleeding into other aspects of my life now. Last night I grabbed dinner after work with Simon so we could just chill and hang out. Really, it was a session so we could bitch about what we don't like at work. The conversation was probably 75-80% of me doing the venting. The kicker is that we talked and mused for probably the better part of three hours.

Tonight, the next day after venting, I spent my evening with Phil. It isn't that I felt on edge or upset at him, but not as free flowing as I'm used to or as I'd like. On my way home I was reflecting on my recent atypical behavior and it struck me that I'm seeking to fill the energy hole of my day life with my personal life and it is translating into unreasonable expectations on loved ones. Essentially, I feel like a prick.

I am the one ultimately responsible for my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. My needs are not being met in a way that is balanced or healthy and I'm starting to pay the price. I'm going to resolve this work issue and set everything else on track, because if I don't I may end up actually hurting someone I care about.

Self-monitoring is important. Time to make sure all of mine are working correctly.

I'm apparently a masochist on a deep fundamental level. How do I know this you ask? I do what any normal person would do after having a care-free drive, afternoon with Phil, and celebrate Mother's Day. Any guesses? You got it!! Watch emotionally debilitating movies!!

A week ago I picked up a few movies at Hollywood video and decided tonight was the night to watch the last one. So tonight's featured film was Downfall/Der Untergang. The movie is essentially about the last few days of World War II from the perspective of Hitler's youngest secretary.

I'm not going to provide a synopsis of the movie, but I will say it is unequivocally the best war movie I have ever seen. I shall further add that I've seen quite a few war movies. What makes it the best has nothing to do with fighting for ideology or heroism or anything else trying to glorify war. It's the side of war nobody wants to think about; the "what the fuck do WE do now that WE are completely fucked?!" I cry at movies all the time, but I usually mean that in the sense that I tear up a little bit. This movie had me openly and unabashedly crying in my room. It's amazing and I think anyone who talks about war or the meaning of patriotism as a good thing should sit down and watch this. It's god-damned amazing...also crippling, but god-damned amazing.

I'm going to download an episode or two of the Simpsons so I can have a chance at having some good dreams tonight.

I hate feeling fragile. Some days I seem to manage to put myself into a funk where I lose my perspective and feel irrational. It's this state of mind that makes me feel like every time I open my mouth I'm going to just say something really, really dumb or something ludicrous. Luckily my compatriots and boyfriend are understanding. The only thing I hate worse than feeling fragile is feeling like a burden.

Several years ago I promised myself that I would always hold my head up high regardless of how I felt. Even when I know I'm feeling wonky and out of it I know that I'm still a strong person. I don't buckle under pressure, and I have the wherewithal to see things through. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to a hug later today.



In another really interesting note, my dad noticed that I was watching Brokeback Mountain on Saturday night. What's neat about my dad is that he's originally from Tennessee and long ago was in horse training. We even used to have a horse back in Colorado. He's sold western ware stuff for the last 30+ something years. For all intents and purposes, my dad is a cowboy. What struck me as amazing was last night he actually approached me with a bunch of questions about the movie. The questions ranged from "Were they really gay?" to "How accurately did they show the lifestyle?". He was genuinely interested in the movie and my opinions on it. Both my parents have always been supportive of my being gay, but this actually made me somewhat proud of him. My dad, the liberal cowboy.

We finally had our employee appreciation afternoon today after having it rescheduled on us twice. The plan involved us leaving the office at around 11:30, heading to lunch, drinking and afternoon of games at Jillians, then just leaving early. All of these things happened, but I'd like to summarize the good parts of the day.

A very peculiar social dynamic takes over when your boss's boss decides to take the employees out for an afternoon of drinking. Especially when there is no prior precendent set that says drinking during business hours is either good or bad. When we sat down to order food for lunch, our boss placed his drink order first. It was a diet coke. The faces around the table become a mish-mash of horror, disappointment, and even general "blah." As per the standard at work, I decided to be the loan dissenter and ordered a beer immediately following his non-alcoholic choice. The faces then became happy again since nobody had to feel alone anymore. Ironically, our industrious leader decided to change his decision to a beer after I ordered mine. Why do these people have so much difficulty asking for what they want? Craziness I say.

The gaming at Jillians was actually quite fun. Jillians works much in the same way that Gameworks does in Tempe. You go in and put money on a card and then just spend the afternoon swiping the card in various games. I can summarize the game playing with the following:

Afternoon of arcade games, $50.
Additional beers, $8.
All your professional colleagues and boss getting to see you play DDR and do horribly, priceless.

Since the whole Dance Dance Revolution thing wasn't panning out quite as I had hoped, I decided to waste the rest of my money on skiball. I probably played about $75 in skiball. Your probably thinking I'm committing hyperbole, but I'm really not. It took me the better part of an hour and a half of non-stop, continuous skiball to use up my cards. My mind entered a meditative state, and I become one with the little brown wooden spheres. Luckily, I don't really suck at skiball, so I had tons of tickets. My winnings are as follows:

1x Large adorable snake, plush
1x Large iridescent tropical fish, plush
1x Yo-yo
1x Shiny working handcuffs

I would like to summarize my rewards much in the same way I did the gameplaying:

Hour and a half of skiball, $50.
Beer to continue playing skiball for so long, $8.
The look on coworkers faces' as they ponder how the handcuffs will be used, priceless.

The giant snake has become the new mascot of my team at work, so he (all snakes are male in my mind) will be following me back to work tomorrow to take up his throne on my desk. The yoyo will very likely be thrown at Simon at high velocity. I have plans for the fish, as it was selected specially. I don't feel the handcuffs need to be explained, as anyone over the age of 13 knows exactly what they're for.

(Comments are appreciated)

My mantra lately has been "ask for help when you need it." I have been making a conscious concerted effort to make sure that my friends and loved ones feel more involved in the process that keeps me alive day to day. My tendency to live in my own head and isolate myself was all fine and good for some earlier stages in my life, but now I want to work to change that. Work, school, and my personal life are as closed to being balanced as they ever have before, and I want to bust my ass to keep it that way.

In particular I want to make sure I take the time to maintain and balance my personal life. I was reading an interesting personality note the other day that said something to the effect of relationships being the litmus test by which I measure my own progress in life. After reading the sentence on paper the truth of the statement hit me. Looking backward I can see the progress I've made over the years from when I started dating at the end of high school through early college and all the way up to the present. Every step along the way introduced new people and new issues.

I feel like I've made the bulk of my previous relationship progress on my own, and more importantly that I've reached a point where I need additional help to really grow to the place I'd like to be. The best thing college did for me was given me an environment to deconstruct some of my views on sex, drugs, and the realm of things I was told were Bad For Me. The big important keyword in that last sentence was 'environment'. I need to construct an environment where I can explore the fine region between my current relationship and my own sexual exploration.

What I need is a support web. I just don't have that many friends that have walked the path I want to walk. During high school I was the adventurous one, and definitely found plenty to get my hands dirty with, and throughout college I definitely had the rebellious streak amongst my friends. However, despite that, none of us were throwing crazy sex parties, having orgies, and and any other kind of crazy monkey sex you can think of. It sort of struck me that we probably weren't engaged in that because we most likely didn't know how to go about it, and more so, because we had no pattern to emulate. We didn't have a web of support. It was very easy to find people who clearly disagreed with that sort of wild behavior, but very few that embraced it. I want to be one of those individuals that can balance a fantastic personal relationship and have a diversified sex life. I want to be good at it. I want to be able to have a fuck buddy on the side as easily as I tell my boyfriend that he means the world to me. I want an environment where I can receive positive affirmation instead of a deluge of negativity from the rest of society as well as my own nagging sense of ennui.

What I need is a support web.