Friday, March 16, 2007
Thinking of You
Ecological Footprint
I've been living in my house for about a month now. Needless to say, this living-on-my-own thing rocks the cock.
Twice a week for the last month I have taken my trash out to the curb, once for regular stuff and once for recycling. I have noted the following things:
1) The contents of my recycle bin are usually substantially larger than my regular bin.
2) I hardly throw away anything that is not recyclable.
3) With the exception of all the boxes I threw away in week one, to this day I probably would not have filled my recycle bin completely.
4) My regular trash bin has never had more than 1 ft. tall worth of volume.
I am not sure what the normal or average amount of stuff a mid-20s male living on his own should be in terms of throwing away, but I feel like I have something worth being proud of here.
Hooray for minimizing my ecological footprint.
Twice a week for the last month I have taken my trash out to the curb, once for regular stuff and once for recycling. I have noted the following things:
1) The contents of my recycle bin are usually substantially larger than my regular bin.
2) I hardly throw away anything that is not recyclable.
3) With the exception of all the boxes I threw away in week one, to this day I probably would not have filled my recycle bin completely.
4) My regular trash bin has never had more than 1 ft. tall worth of volume.
I am not sure what the normal or average amount of stuff a mid-20s male living on his own should be in terms of throwing away, but I feel like I have something worth being proud of here.
Hooray for minimizing my ecological footprint.
Labels: house
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Note to Self
Dear me,
Don't forget how awesome you are. These last few weeks have been chaotic; your sense of self is changing. I know that you've been coming to grips with things past and present, and I'm still here for you. I am the you that feels well grounded and balanced. I am the you that is empowered to exert calming and composing forces. The more time that you remain as me, the more you are like your old self everyday.
The acupuncture therapy is definitely working. Stick with it! The forces of damp heat have nearly cleared your large intestine and the underlying constitutional imbalance between liver and spleen is the next major roadblock. We can totally do this!
Yes, I'm aware you don't remember the last time this kind of turbulence was in your life. Once the tears clear, once the angst has passed, and once the mind is open we will stop feeling like split personalities. Ultimately, only I am going to remain.
Neither of us can control the future, nor can we alter the past. All we can do is change our perspective and grow to be the people we want to be, so the past can be the ground from which we grow, rather than the path we try to return back down. You have some insecurities, especially about your sexuality and the way in which you relate to men. Sometimes it feels like you have a failed sense of competence, or that your ego takes an amorphous hit when your soft and fuzzy parts are exposed. That's just what it means to try and love. We hoped to grow that area in college, but our sense of where the growth should be was mostly academic. At the end of the day it was easier for us. Getting graded at the end of a semester was simple, it was always an 'A' or a 'B'; we never put who we were on the line to be judged or accepted by another individual... the thought of a failing mark was always too high.
We are not perfect, but we both realize that. I've always been proud of you for admitting to your faults and never feeling bad about owning up to mistakes or whole-heartedly telling someone else you hurt. I've watched you grow so much in the last few years. You still spread yourself thin comparing yourself to the people with the characteristics you desire for yourself. Don't worry about those! You have so many strengths all on your own. It is not realistic of you to aspire to so many things at once. You have nothing to worry about, all things come in time.
Your spirit is strong, so like all things, this too shall pass. Remember these things. There is a boy down the street that tells you he loves you daily, and you always say it back. Anytime you've ever been down and out, cranky, or whatnot, he's been right there for you and made you not hurt. That's amazing. You have great job security because the core of what you do is exhilarating, not to mention you enjoy it. That's amazing. You have managed to have the financial solvency at 24 to own a house by yourself. That's amazing. You've earned your black belt in China, a testament to follow through and what you've accomplished. That's amazing. You're a published scientist in the IEEE, one of your papers is even in an IEEE Transaction report... Dr. Xue still reminds you Ph.Ds we would be very proud of that accomplishment. That's amazing.
In case I wander off, just come back and reread this to yourself. One day you'll be me completely, and that will be amazing.
Love,
Me
Don't forget how awesome you are. These last few weeks have been chaotic; your sense of self is changing. I know that you've been coming to grips with things past and present, and I'm still here for you. I am the you that feels well grounded and balanced. I am the you that is empowered to exert calming and composing forces. The more time that you remain as me, the more you are like your old self everyday.
The acupuncture therapy is definitely working. Stick with it! The forces of damp heat have nearly cleared your large intestine and the underlying constitutional imbalance between liver and spleen is the next major roadblock. We can totally do this!
Yes, I'm aware you don't remember the last time this kind of turbulence was in your life. Once the tears clear, once the angst has passed, and once the mind is open we will stop feeling like split personalities. Ultimately, only I am going to remain.
Neither of us can control the future, nor can we alter the past. All we can do is change our perspective and grow to be the people we want to be, so the past can be the ground from which we grow, rather than the path we try to return back down. You have some insecurities, especially about your sexuality and the way in which you relate to men. Sometimes it feels like you have a failed sense of competence, or that your ego takes an amorphous hit when your soft and fuzzy parts are exposed. That's just what it means to try and love. We hoped to grow that area in college, but our sense of where the growth should be was mostly academic. At the end of the day it was easier for us. Getting graded at the end of a semester was simple, it was always an 'A' or a 'B'; we never put who we were on the line to be judged or accepted by another individual... the thought of a failing mark was always too high.
We are not perfect, but we both realize that. I've always been proud of you for admitting to your faults and never feeling bad about owning up to mistakes or whole-heartedly telling someone else you hurt. I've watched you grow so much in the last few years. You still spread yourself thin comparing yourself to the people with the characteristics you desire for yourself. Don't worry about those! You have so many strengths all on your own. It is not realistic of you to aspire to so many things at once. You have nothing to worry about, all things come in time.
Your spirit is strong, so like all things, this too shall pass. Remember these things. There is a boy down the street that tells you he loves you daily, and you always say it back. Anytime you've ever been down and out, cranky, or whatnot, he's been right there for you and made you not hurt. That's amazing. You have great job security because the core of what you do is exhilarating, not to mention you enjoy it. That's amazing. You have managed to have the financial solvency at 24 to own a house by yourself. That's amazing. You've earned your black belt in China, a testament to follow through and what you've accomplished. That's amazing. You're a published scientist in the IEEE, one of your papers is even in an IEEE Transaction report... Dr. Xue still reminds you Ph.Ds we would be very proud of that accomplishment. That's amazing.
In case I wander off, just come back and reread this to yourself. One day you'll be me completely, and that will be amazing.
Love,
Me
Midlife Crisis
I'm seriously having a midlife crisis. Perhaps that is a tad excessive... maybe it's just a post-college-becoming-something-of-an-adult crisis. Does everyone go through this stage? Is it a necessary transition to being an adult? Is this psychological pupation? Does the damp heat in my large intestine signal something I've been doing wrong for years? Who decided that my sense of self should be in upheaval?
Two years ago the plan was somewhat simple: finish college and continue on to grad school to be big scary doctor-like person in computer science. Actuality: working for a crazy Internet corporation as a software engineer, making great money, owning a house, considering a car, and learning what it takes to be in a relationship.
My simple plans feel like they have become anything but.
I'm learning what it feels like to be corporate Chris. Monday through Friday I arrive at work, go to my desk, and do engineering-like things all day. Some days it's meetings, others I'm running around playing group coordinator, programming, etc. The scary thing to me is that there is a considerable amount of this I truly enjoy. Sure, there's a phenomenal amount of bullshit too, but I feel like I'm actually contributing to something real. I would also like to think I am damned good at my job, especially since I keep being told that by coworkers.
A house. I own a fucking house. Talk about things that I didn't foresee two years ago. A mortgage payment definitely has the power to make you feel like a grown-up. Writing the massive check once a month to let The Man know that this little piece of property is mine is borderline heart breaking. My anti-responsibility college-student core is learning to adjust.
I'm going to conveniently gloss over the car at this point until something materializes out of it in the next few weeks.
A relationship also wasn't on the road map. Over a year ago I met Phil, and boy has that been a wild ride. A year ago I couldn't stop thinking about him, and a year later I still can't stop thinking about him. Needless to say, I think he's amazing. With all this crazy emotional cleansing I've been doing lately I know I've been moody and prone to crying fits, but he's been behind me the whole time. At this point I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like he gave me the chance to start over somewhere new.
Who knows what all this means? For now I think I am just going to try and take everything a little more slowly so I don't get swept away. Then again, have "slow and steady" ever really been the words to describe me? I think not.
Two years ago the plan was somewhat simple: finish college and continue on to grad school to be big scary doctor-like person in computer science. Actuality: working for a crazy Internet corporation as a software engineer, making great money, owning a house, considering a car, and learning what it takes to be in a relationship.
My simple plans feel like they have become anything but.
I'm learning what it feels like to be corporate Chris. Monday through Friday I arrive at work, go to my desk, and do engineering-like things all day. Some days it's meetings, others I'm running around playing group coordinator, programming, etc. The scary thing to me is that there is a considerable amount of this I truly enjoy. Sure, there's a phenomenal amount of bullshit too, but I feel like I'm actually contributing to something real. I would also like to think I am damned good at my job, especially since I keep being told that by coworkers.
A house. I own a fucking house. Talk about things that I didn't foresee two years ago. A mortgage payment definitely has the power to make you feel like a grown-up. Writing the massive check once a month to let The Man know that this little piece of property is mine is borderline heart breaking. My anti-responsibility college-student core is learning to adjust.
I'm going to conveniently gloss over the car at this point until something materializes out of it in the next few weeks.
A relationship also wasn't on the road map. Over a year ago I met Phil, and boy has that been a wild ride. A year ago I couldn't stop thinking about him, and a year later I still can't stop thinking about him. Needless to say, I think he's amazing. With all this crazy emotional cleansing I've been doing lately I know I've been moody and prone to crying fits, but he's been behind me the whole time. At this point I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like he gave me the chance to start over somewhere new.
Who knows what all this means? For now I think I am just going to try and take everything a little more slowly so I don't get swept away. Then again, have "slow and steady" ever really been the words to describe me? I think not.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Cute Hair
Today has been somewhat helacious with meetings. My brain is officially in soup form. That's what nothing but dry meetings over and over do to you...
The one really positive thing to come out of today was a sweet new haircut I really like. Over my lunch break I decided to take care of a few errands. On my way back to the office I saw a new salon/spa/thingy that looked somewhat new so I stopped in. I explained that I missed the days of me being a pseudo-hair model and that I wanted neat and fun new hair again. So the awesome lady hooked me up and gave me a pretty sweet cut. I'll take a picture later if I can remember.
The one really positive thing to come out of today was a sweet new haircut I really like. Over my lunch break I decided to take care of a few errands. On my way back to the office I saw a new salon/spa/thingy that looked somewhat new so I stopped in. I explained that I missed the days of me being a pseudo-hair model and that I wanted neat and fun new hair again. So the awesome lady hooked me up and gave me a pretty sweet cut. I'll take a picture later if I can remember.
