Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Midlife Crisis
I'm seriously having a midlife crisis. Perhaps that is a tad excessive... maybe it's just a post-college-becoming-something-of-an-adult crisis. Does everyone go through this stage? Is it a necessary transition to being an adult? Is this psychological pupation? Does the damp heat in my large intestine signal something I've been doing wrong for years? Who decided that my sense of self should be in upheaval?
Two years ago the plan was somewhat simple: finish college and continue on to grad school to be big scary doctor-like person in computer science. Actuality: working for a crazy Internet corporation as a software engineer, making great money, owning a house, considering a car, and learning what it takes to be in a relationship.
My simple plans feel like they have become anything but.
I'm learning what it feels like to be corporate Chris. Monday through Friday I arrive at work, go to my desk, and do engineering-like things all day. Some days it's meetings, others I'm running around playing group coordinator, programming, etc. The scary thing to me is that there is a considerable amount of this I truly enjoy. Sure, there's a phenomenal amount of bullshit too, but I feel like I'm actually contributing to something real. I would also like to think I am damned good at my job, especially since I keep being told that by coworkers.
A house. I own a fucking house. Talk about things that I didn't foresee two years ago. A mortgage payment definitely has the power to make you feel like a grown-up. Writing the massive check once a month to let The Man know that this little piece of property is mine is borderline heart breaking. My anti-responsibility college-student core is learning to adjust.
I'm going to conveniently gloss over the car at this point until something materializes out of it in the next few weeks.
A relationship also wasn't on the road map. Over a year ago I met Phil, and boy has that been a wild ride. A year ago I couldn't stop thinking about him, and a year later I still can't stop thinking about him. Needless to say, I think he's amazing. With all this crazy emotional cleansing I've been doing lately I know I've been moody and prone to crying fits, but he's been behind me the whole time. At this point I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like he gave me the chance to start over somewhere new.
Who knows what all this means? For now I think I am just going to try and take everything a little more slowly so I don't get swept away. Then again, have "slow and steady" ever really been the words to describe me? I think not.
Two years ago the plan was somewhat simple: finish college and continue on to grad school to be big scary doctor-like person in computer science. Actuality: working for a crazy Internet corporation as a software engineer, making great money, owning a house, considering a car, and learning what it takes to be in a relationship.
My simple plans feel like they have become anything but.
I'm learning what it feels like to be corporate Chris. Monday through Friday I arrive at work, go to my desk, and do engineering-like things all day. Some days it's meetings, others I'm running around playing group coordinator, programming, etc. The scary thing to me is that there is a considerable amount of this I truly enjoy. Sure, there's a phenomenal amount of bullshit too, but I feel like I'm actually contributing to something real. I would also like to think I am damned good at my job, especially since I keep being told that by coworkers.
A house. I own a fucking house. Talk about things that I didn't foresee two years ago. A mortgage payment definitely has the power to make you feel like a grown-up. Writing the massive check once a month to let The Man know that this little piece of property is mine is borderline heart breaking. My anti-responsibility college-student core is learning to adjust.
I'm going to conveniently gloss over the car at this point until something materializes out of it in the next few weeks.
A relationship also wasn't on the road map. Over a year ago I met Phil, and boy has that been a wild ride. A year ago I couldn't stop thinking about him, and a year later I still can't stop thinking about him. Needless to say, I think he's amazing. With all this crazy emotional cleansing I've been doing lately I know I've been moody and prone to crying fits, but he's been behind me the whole time. At this point I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like he gave me the chance to start over somewhere new.
Who knows what all this means? For now I think I am just going to try and take everything a little more slowly so I don't get swept away. Then again, have "slow and steady" ever really been the words to describe me? I think not.
# posted by Chris/Stewy @ Wednesday, March 14, 2007 
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the oprah version: http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/
grad school and my constant debates about leaving it + a marriage i didn't expect even at the point when i sort of "proposed" have been a bit of a rollercoaster as well. adam seems much calmer, and i don't know if that's just his disposition or the extra 5 years he's got on me. my colleagues seems a lot better resigned to their lives, but i probably seem that way to them too. i don't know. college is such a strange and exceptional environment, i guess the immediate aftermath is likely to be traumatic particularly when we have so much choice?
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grad school and my constant debates about leaving it + a marriage i didn't expect even at the point when i sort of "proposed" have been a bit of a rollercoaster as well. adam seems much calmer, and i don't know if that's just his disposition or the extra 5 years he's got on me. my colleagues seems a lot better resigned to their lives, but i probably seem that way to them too. i don't know. college is such a strange and exceptional environment, i guess the immediate aftermath is likely to be traumatic particularly when we have so much choice?
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