Liquid Nonsense

Dear me,

Don't forget how awesome you are. These last few weeks have been chaotic; your sense of self is changing. I know that you've been coming to grips with things past and present, and I'm still here for you. I am the you that feels well grounded and balanced. I am the you that is empowered to exert calming and composing forces. The more time that you remain as me, the more you are like your old self everyday.

The acupuncture therapy is definitely working. Stick with it! The forces of damp heat have nearly cleared your large intestine and the underlying constitutional imbalance between liver and spleen is the next major roadblock. We can totally do this!

Yes, I'm aware you don't remember the last time this kind of turbulence was in your life. Once the tears clear, once the angst has passed, and once the mind is open we will stop feeling like split personalities. Ultimately, only I am going to remain.

Neither of us can control the future, nor can we alter the past. All we can do is change our perspective and grow to be the people we want to be, so the past can be the ground from which we grow, rather than the path we try to return back down. You have some insecurities, especially about your sexuality and the way in which you relate to men. Sometimes it feels like you have a failed sense of competence, or that your ego takes an amorphous hit when your soft and fuzzy parts are exposed. That's just what it means to try and love. We hoped to grow that area in college, but our sense of where the growth should be was mostly academic. At the end of the day it was easier for us. Getting graded at the end of a semester was simple, it was always an 'A' or a 'B'; we never put who we were on the line to be judged or accepted by another individual... the thought of a failing mark was always too high.

We are not perfect, but we both realize that. I've always been proud of you for admitting to your faults and never feeling bad about owning up to mistakes or whole-heartedly telling someone else you hurt. I've watched you grow so much in the last few years. You still spread yourself thin comparing yourself to the people with the characteristics you desire for yourself. Don't worry about those! You have so many strengths all on your own. It is not realistic of you to aspire to so many things at once. You have nothing to worry about, all things come in time.

Your spirit is strong, so like all things, this too shall pass. Remember these things. There is a boy down the street that tells you he loves you daily, and you always say it back. Anytime you've ever been down and out, cranky, or whatnot, he's been right there for you and made you not hurt. That's amazing. You have great job security because the core of what you do is exhilarating, not to mention you enjoy it. That's amazing. You have managed to have the financial solvency at 24 to own a house by yourself. That's amazing. You've earned your black belt in China, a testament to follow through and what you've accomplished. That's amazing. You're a published scientist in the IEEE, one of your papers is even in an IEEE Transaction report... Dr. Xue still reminds you Ph.Ds we would be very proud of that accomplishment. That's amazing.

In case I wander off, just come back and reread this to yourself. One day you'll be me completely, and that will be amazing.

Love,
Me