Monday, December 11, 2006
Thus we continue?
I have spent the last two and a half hours crying off and on, and reflecting...
The majority of today was spent with Phil, doing nothing in particular, which invariably means it was a good day. We parted ways like we do in the later part of Sunday afternoon so he can study and so I can take care of what few errands I have. Tonight at around 10pm he calls me. Upon answering the phone I immediately know something is wrong... This morning his friend Star, in Philadelphia, passed away from the effects of a sudden pulmonary embolism. No warnings, no signs, no indications, no nothing.
So many thoughts are racing right now, asking to be unraveled. I never had the opportunity to meet Star, and for that I feel unquestionably upset. Even though she and I never talked I am still feeling the loss like a kick to the ribs.
I truly feel that sudden gap is the sign of a person who led a magnificent life. It is never about our money, popularity, or even power. It is about the people we gather around ourselves, those we live with, and the people whom we grieve for. I strongly believe in the structural power of the tribe. Our tribes are formed from the intersections of friends, family, acquaintances, allies, compatriots, and the like whom we strongly associate with because of mutual beliefs, thoughts, feelings, or whatever. Essentially the family we are born into versus the Family we choose for ourselves. The people we would offer our time and our spirit to if they were ever in need. The people whom we cannot sacrifice our time to because we have already willingly offered it. When something tragic happens to one of these individuals, the loss is profound.
No sets of words by themselves have the kind of cleansing cathartic power necessary to truly ease this kind of transition. Personally, I have always felt silence to be the strongest thing I can say, so in these events I offer what emotional presence I can as well as a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps my own catharsis will come in recording my thoughts and feelings in a way which I can share.
My heart is aching for everyone whose life she has touched. I wish more than anything I had something more to say to Phil. It is always hardest to watch someone you love deeply, hurt in such a pervasive way. A hug? A kiss? Just something "more." I can always say "I love you," again... sometimes it helps just to know someone is out there thinking about you too. We all cope with these events in our own way, but it is taking a lot out of me right now to sit at home and not be more actively engaged.
The aspect of death I like the least is my own total lack of understanding. Death is the enigma that sits on the corner of my consciousness. I have no choice but to lump myself in the pool of people that claim to not be religious, but highly spiritual. Is death the road to awe? Is it a vast nothing? Is it something completely unfathomable? Is it the Christian-Judaic Kingdom of Heaven? I wished I knew. I really, really wished I knew. To be completely honest the thought of my own death creeps me out... though every time I deal with it I have a strong, moving sense of acceptance that "everything will be alright," and that whatever lies on the other side must truly be great.
At this point I have meditated, stretched, written, cried, smiled, hoped, sighed, and sniffled. Now maybe some healing and sleep.
The majority of today was spent with Phil, doing nothing in particular, which invariably means it was a good day. We parted ways like we do in the later part of Sunday afternoon so he can study and so I can take care of what few errands I have. Tonight at around 10pm he calls me. Upon answering the phone I immediately know something is wrong... This morning his friend Star, in Philadelphia, passed away from the effects of a sudden pulmonary embolism. No warnings, no signs, no indications, no nothing.
So many thoughts are racing right now, asking to be unraveled. I never had the opportunity to meet Star, and for that I feel unquestionably upset. Even though she and I never talked I am still feeling the loss like a kick to the ribs.
I truly feel that sudden gap is the sign of a person who led a magnificent life. It is never about our money, popularity, or even power. It is about the people we gather around ourselves, those we live with, and the people whom we grieve for. I strongly believe in the structural power of the tribe. Our tribes are formed from the intersections of friends, family, acquaintances, allies, compatriots, and the like whom we strongly associate with because of mutual beliefs, thoughts, feelings, or whatever. Essentially the family we are born into versus the Family we choose for ourselves. The people we would offer our time and our spirit to if they were ever in need. The people whom we cannot sacrifice our time to because we have already willingly offered it. When something tragic happens to one of these individuals, the loss is profound.
No sets of words by themselves have the kind of cleansing cathartic power necessary to truly ease this kind of transition. Personally, I have always felt silence to be the strongest thing I can say, so in these events I offer what emotional presence I can as well as a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps my own catharsis will come in recording my thoughts and feelings in a way which I can share.
My heart is aching for everyone whose life she has touched. I wish more than anything I had something more to say to Phil. It is always hardest to watch someone you love deeply, hurt in such a pervasive way. A hug? A kiss? Just something "more." I can always say "I love you," again... sometimes it helps just to know someone is out there thinking about you too. We all cope with these events in our own way, but it is taking a lot out of me right now to sit at home and not be more actively engaged.
The aspect of death I like the least is my own total lack of understanding. Death is the enigma that sits on the corner of my consciousness. I have no choice but to lump myself in the pool of people that claim to not be religious, but highly spiritual. Is death the road to awe? Is it a vast nothing? Is it something completely unfathomable? Is it the Christian-Judaic Kingdom of Heaven? I wished I knew. I really, really wished I knew. To be completely honest the thought of my own death creeps me out... though every time I deal with it I have a strong, moving sense of acceptance that "everything will be alright," and that whatever lies on the other side must truly be great.
At this point I have meditated, stretched, written, cried, smiled, hoped, sighed, and sniffled. Now maybe some healing and sleep.
Labels: reflection
# posted by Chris/Stewy @ Monday, December 11, 2006 
