Liquid Nonsense

Very nearly a year ago I set out on a mission of self-exploration and change to develop, and more fully integrate, things into my life I didn't have time for in college. When I look back on my college experience it was a very positive experience, but it was also exceptionally time consuming. I partially suspect that my minor apprehension at diving back into the Master's program immediately is because I've started to become accustomed to having time to think, reflect, and develop things that are not quite so rooted in hard science. Honestly, I've developed an amateur interest in photography that's coming along rather well. A year ago my pictures sucked, and now I feel they're semi-passable. At the very least they don't make me look like a complete tool. I've gone to China to get my black belt. That was a personal milestone I had been working on when I could for the last 7 years. Three (or was it four now?) weeks ago I started doing Bikram Yoga. Yoga isn't quite like any other workout I've ever done, but the sense of body awareness is remarkably similar and just as effective in terms of physical catharsis. Actually, I'd say it's a lot more mood enhancing since it is essentially the same concept of "moving meditation" that I've done in Tai Chi. There's been substantially more reading and writing going on in my spare time. I've finished several books this year and I've been more actively journaling various thoughts and responses on paper for several months. Last, but certainly not least, I've even had an active healthy relationship going for eight months now with Phil. I have definitely gotten used to spending a few nights a week, and a couple mornings, with my boyfriend.

Let it be known that these are all Good things. I can just feel the forces of change moving on the inside and it's kinda weird. It's the sensation that if I were to talk to myself a year ago that I would recognize myself and certainly be able to relate, but present-me would be looking at identity related issues radically different and I'm sure there would be some disagreements, if not outright incredulity.

A year ago I was a full time student at ASU working as an intern. My classes included: American Religious Traditions, Statistics/Probability for Engineers, Geology Lecture and Lab, and History of Math. The only non-Geeky course is the religions one, and honestly the only reason I took that was because the University said I had to. I would grab a short dinner a few times a week with friends, but otherwise time was fairly restricted. My martial arts involvement was scaled back and the only way I was able to workout at all was a 1.75 hour window I had on T/Th in the middle of the afternoon plus Saturdays. I was also living with Clemens at the time and making various plans for grad school on the other side of the country. I also tried to set aside time for various things related to sexuality whether it be dating or chatting up guys.

Present. I am enrolled as a student at ASU as a fluke because I need three credits correctly counted so everyone can officially agree that I have indeed graduated. I am now a full-time software engineer for a prominent web company. My time outside of work is divided up between the martial arts, yoga, and working out. My physical activity is obviously substantially higher. Also, I have become even more of a Luddite now then I was as a computer science major, and I seldom do anything related to my computer outside of work, with the major of exception of occasional gaming and Photoshop. Speaking of Photoshop, I now take pictures of things. Quite a few pictures of things actually since I wanted to be more of a photographer. My plans for graduate school have changed several times over the last 10 months since CMU didn't have an opening on the team I wanted, but was it *really* the team I wanted to be on? On this particular matter I feel like some dubious wizard from the game Heidi and I have jokingly discussed several times has cast "Hellish Introspection Lvl. 10" on me.

These are the lingering questions that past-me and present-me will have to ponder on:

Why was I so driven toward graduate school? I still want to go, and I still want to be Dr. Badass, but is that path in computer science? Is that course that will lead to just my amusement, or also my satisfaction? Given my personality it's hard to tell at times.

Do I have any reasonable grasp of my sexuality? I don't think anyone has described me as shy in the last 7 years, but there are regions of apprehension in my own mind I don't understand. I believe, and engage, in hooking up. Why does my comfort level shift with this depending on the day? In high school I would have said absolutely not. In early college I would have said highly suspect. In later college I probably would have said "not for me, but I support you" Now I simply say "why not?" The same can be said for my outlook on several psychoactive compounds.

Why is it that I suspect I will have problems with things, and then I do them and realize that I not only don't have a problem, but I can thrive? I'm not shy, and I'm not particularly reserved but I don't draw a lot of attention to myself either. After a decent workout I am totally willing to walk around in a tank top and my board shorts hanging off my ass with a cocky smirk. A year ago that would have made me exceptionally self-conscious....I think. I'm not sure 'cause I didn't do it. I do it now and I feel great. What's the relationship there?

Why has the Zen/Taoist part of my personality asserted itself with a vengeance? A year ago I tried to stay busy and I would periodically remind myself of the expression "Eat when hungry, sleep when tired." Now I'm living this attitude. Why am I far less compelled to accomplish tasks set before me by others or live up to expectations other people set forth? It isn't that I don't aspire to great things, it's just I'm starting to see great things in my day to day life. Why do I no longer feel compelled in any meaningful way to achieve "success" in a societal sense?

I used to have what I thought was a great idea for a tattoo that I never acted on. It was a wing-like shape over my right shoulder blade composed of many smaller symbols. I never officially decided on the symbols I would use, but using the white space where the symbols weren't, I was going to outline the kanji for "stain." It's a beautiful character, but kanji tattoos are risky and extremely difficult to pull off even despite the fact I've studied Japanese and have been to Japan. The general idea was that the stain of experience is the force that teaches you how to fly. It's also the inherent duality of expressing the concept of stain in white space. What's worse: being stained with the innocence of never doing anything outlandish, or being stained with having done everything including what many will look down upon? I felt it was rather symbolic of the concept "Good experience grows in bad experience." We have to fuck up occasionally in life and have these periods of inward gazing. They suck, they leave you drained, and they tend to leave you feeling inert.

Right now I just chalk it up to the death throes of the person you were and the values you used to place emphasis on. Change is good, but sometimes it leaves you with growing pains.