Liquid Nonsense

Dear Gay HQ,

Another year is coming to a close and I realize it is time for me to make sure my membership is still valid. I know that I am terrible with paperwork, so I wanted to make sure that I take care of this early on. I also know there have been a few times in the past where my membership has come into question because I have not earned enough rainbow points in the year. Though this may sound silly, I am quite fond of the discount we receive at Barnes & Noble as well as the fabulous "member's club" shopping at various malls across America, and would like to reaffirm that my membership is in strong standing.

I feel that the following items more than sufficiently qualify my membership for renewal, if not access for the elite member's "Flame" card:

I have spent more money on underwear in the last year than I have in the first 23 years of my life. The collection includes choices from 2(x)ist, Aussie Bum, Ginch Gonch, Under Armor, Body Glove, and Calvin Klein. I would like to point extra attention to my low-rise "weiner eater" series briefs that I am quite fond of. Also, my ass looks amazing in my graphite floral low-rise briefs from Aussie Bum. This is partially narcissism, but mostly fact.

I know what a topiary is. I can identify one, I can use the word in a sentence, and once long ago I sold them.

As far as I can tell, I am the only student at my yoga studio with a bright orange yoga mat with little yellow flowers on it. I am currently on a quest to find a matching speedo.

I enjoy dick. Other people's. A lot.

If you talk about Sean Cody or Corbin Fisher, I know you are not referring to some southern good ol' boys from Alabama.

My array of personal grooming products is stellar. One bottle contains a mixture of sea salt, lemon, seaweed, Scottish sea water, lime juice, coconut oil, and vanilla- the other contains an amazing concoction of creamed coconut and Vetivert Oil; I refer to them both as shampoo. My conditioner is an all natural blend of Cocoa butter, avocado extract, fresh figs, fresh bananas, fresh passion fruit, ylang ylang oil, cyrpus oil, sandalwood oil, and lastly chlorophyll. My hair is amazing. I prefer a facial scrub composed of both fine & course sea salts, grapefruit juice, lime extract, avocado butter, coconut fat, lime oil, seaweed, and violet leaf. For cleaning the entire body the current selection is "Flying Fox" made from honey, jasmine absolute, ylang ylang oil, cypress, and palmarossa. Last, but certainly not least, is my facial moisturizer constructed from lavender honey water, linseed, aloe vera, cold pressed almond oil, cocoa butter, fresh wheatgrass, shea butter, African marigold oil, tangerine, and sandalwood. I don't look like a hippie, but I probably smell like an exceptionally clean one. Honorable mentions: my vanilla mango shaving cream and American Crew hair forming gel.

Related to a previous point, my pr0n will not fit on a single DVD. It will not fit on several for that matter. To date, my contributions back to my fellow man very likely exceed 50 gigabytes.

I enjoy musicals. I have even seen Les Miserables twice. Once at the London Palace Theater, and once at Gammage.

I know the difference between Navajo White, Eggshell, Off white, and Cream. For that matter, I also know the differences between Burgundy, Maroon, Sangria, and Wine. I own several shirts with coloring from the second set.

If questioned on the street I will lie, but I definitely know all the words to Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive," and in my native habitat (read as: when alone) will sing along rather loudly.

Clearly this list could continue on for quite a while, but I feel these highlight points are sufficient. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to my new membership card arriving in the mail shortly.

Sincerely,

Chris

----

Dear Mr. Grasso,

In response to a discussion from earlier, you asked what the fundamental unit and decay rate of "cute" was. I have brought this ever so important question to my team of scientists and we have arrived at the following formulation.

We need a starting point, and classical Newtonian physics and calculus should provide such a grounding. Firstly, consider the relationship between distance, velocity, and acceleration. From calculus we know that these are related to one another via differential and integral calculus. That is to say that velocity is the integral of distance, and acceleration is the integral of velocity.

Consider the following: we start with the base unit of a Helen. 1 Helen is the amount of beauty necessary to launch a 1,000 standard, soldier-carrying Greek ships to battle. My scientists tell me that since 1 Helen is the amount of beauty NECESSARY to launch those ships, whereas cute is the application of beauty, thus being it's integral. Therefore, we shall adopt the unit of 1 Cuddle (henceforth written as C not to be confused with Coloumbs) being defined as a 1 Helen per second. This unit would be extremely large in most cases, and thus when referring to other people we adopt expressions such as "that person is exerting at least 36 micro-Cuddles of cute on that guy."

Since we are aiming for analogues to classical physics, we must extend this unit once more to have a third level integral. Since we would then essentially talking about the "rate of change of cute." I feel the appropriately named unit, since we are referring to the rate of change of cute, is the Keg (K, not to be confused with Kelvins). Thus, 1 Keg is 1 Cuddle per second, or rather, 1 Keg is 1 Helen per second, per second.

While the names have not been thoroughly decided upon, I feel they are good transitional titles. We propose a further investigative study into the human threshold of cuddles per second as 1 Keg, as defined above, is most likely fatal. We are all looking forward to further analysis.

All the best,

Professor Dr.