Liquid Nonsense

I will start a grassroots movement. This will be a movement of education and public awareness much in the same way that psychologists advocate the usage of terms like "mental health" rather than "mental illness." A movement of embracing the positive as opposed to rejecting the negative. Affirmation of our desires as natural responses to the world around us rather than something to abhorred.

Yes, I will start a movement for the advocacy of STH. My message of sexually transmitted health. The initial phase will consist of simple public relations work. Examples will include smaller posters and cute little banners displaying a woman calmly, yet satisfyingly, looking to the sky reading "Sexually Transmitted Health: An Apple a Day for the New Generation," soon to be followed with various clever rubber stickers and brightly colored ribbon shaped magnets. Simultaneously my movement will need to adopt a catchy logo with which to gain appeal among the younger crowd as well as to become a firebrand amongst those who feel my message of openness as a direct threat. The logo will be an extension of our initial imagery: the apple. This symbol at once shall be both a reference to the cliché "apple a day" expression used in reference to our health, and easy bait for the Christians who remember what happened the last time we tasted the forbidden fruit. I will even introduce a line of T-Shirts to the local Hot Topic stores that will be all black and read in large white block letters "Generation X, Generation Y, Generation Y-Not?" with the apple logo slightly beneath the last line or on the sleeve. For the slightly older college crowd that still shops there, and that can correctly identify Viagra, there will be a polo-shirt style option that shall feature a goat-headed Pez dispenser sitting atop our healthful-snack logo offering up little blue pills. By leveraging the intrinsic nature of teenagers to do what their elders tell them not to, and to buy ironic t-shirts that are not all that ironic, I can safely project that 6-8 months after inception the news will begin to cover my efforts.

The start of phase two of my scheme will commence as soon as Bill O'Reilly has dedicated a show to my "atrocities." His status as "trustworthy commentator and news source" to a group of people I shall only refer to as "rectal-cranially inverted mongoloids" will move the conservative leaning members of society to take action. Fox news, along with several other major networks, will undoubtedly begin covering my liberal coup in a pejorative light. At some point there will even be a real-time talkback shows with a handful of experts connected via satellite each attempting to discuss the matter on nationally syndicated television. Some of these experts will be legitimate sexual therapists, but the majority will be Catholic psychologists and public officials in charge of conservative constituents. Wolves in sheep’s clothing if you will. As important as it will be to fight, we must ultimately lose. After our loss, the printed news on the following morning will specifically highlight how many times the liberal was told to "shut up" and enumerate the number of times his microphone was cut off abruptly. The argumentative one-sidedness of the broadcasts will bolster the image of my hormonally active compatriots being a victimized minority suppressed for extolling the virtues of their genitalia. We will be demonized as hippies, commy pinkos, and as a tribe of whores.

The challenging battles will come soon there after. Spilt blood shall not win this war, but rather seed. Through donations and active fundraising campaigns we will begin marketing ourselves to the overwhelming majority of the population that modern advertising completely passes over. The news will have propelled us from a small movement to the level of national threat, thus our name and message of sexually transmitted health will become common place. Married middle-aged women who feel trapped in their loveless marriages will candidly discuss our message after yoga practice, but before picking their kids up from soccer. Seventh grade school teachers forced into the awkward position of teaching budding angsty preteens the birds and the bees will stop periodically to reminisce on, rather than regret, their college days. Everyone will be thinking about us because we will have successfully targeted the wider demographic. Our models will not be perfect 10's, nor shall we employ photo editing software to enhance them. Our models will be real. They will ALL be the boy/girl next door. They will all look like the boy/girl next door after having perfect sex. There will be no mistaking the look of matted down hair, breathlessness, and satisfaction. To really drive it home in the printed media we will cross market with cologne and perfume companies to place smelling samples of pheromones on the same page as our inserts. The nature of human desire will tear down the walls of inhibition in suburban America.

Inherent ambiguity in the message will leave most wondering what the solution is. Is it to cheat on my husband? Is it to reject the sanctity of monogamy entirely? Is it to buy a stud finder so I can correctly affix a swing to my bedroom ceiling? It will be an abstract message representing all of these things and more. It will be a clarion to herald the acceptance of our wants and a wave of affirmation to enjoy activities typically reserved for closed doors. History will eventually attribute meaning to the cause, but it will be over debated and contrived at best. The only message was that we can, and should, enjoy ourselves for the time that we have. Some will miss the message completely, and others will embark upon a journey of exploration and sweat stained bed sheets. Like all good things our efforts will eventually come to an end and fade into the sunset. I foresee a quiet ending as smaller focus groups begin to splinter off from the main body as differences in ideology and implementation emerge. "STH:leather division" and "STH:advanced foreplay" readily come to mind. The reward for the vast toil shall be a little less neurosis in the world when people decide that the pool boy would probably be great for something other than skimming eucalyptus leaves off the water's surface.

Regardless of what happens, afternoon yoga class will never be the same again.