Monday, March 13, 2006
Then again??
Periodically I'm forced to sort of back peddle and completely admit that I took a thought in the wrong direction. I'm going to retract a significant amount of my previous post on my intellectual curiosity of poly-type relationships.
Earlier today I managed to track down a copy of The Ethical Slut and I've spent a good portion of the day reading through it. When I'm playing with a new idea or just exploring it for argument's sake I just want to dive in. Now that I'm slightly over 200 pages in I'm willing to really alter my previous statements. Not necessarily because I've learned a substantial amount, but rather because I've had it contextualized into something I can synthesize much easier. I know myself well enough to that when something sounds strange or foreign, I probably just don't know enough about it or I lack sufficient language to think about it properly.
Some of the major key points I'm currently rolling around with:
1) Incorrectly identifying jeolous responses. It wasn't until I saw these words in print that it really made sense. I don't really experience jealousy. At least now I'm willing to say that. What I do experience is envy, and that's easily mislabeled. I think I would be more concerned that my primary significant other and someone else had something that I couldn't offer. The taoist part of my brain knows this is silly. While anything is imperfect, it is perfectly itself. This would be a situation of me acknowledging the perfection of something being itself. Nothing more, and nothing less.
2) Boundaries and exploration. A small part of an interview between two committed, yet open offered this:
"Now we're trying to figure out what we're comfortable doing with other people, and what we want to reserve for our own relationship. Sometimes, the only way to locate the boundary of our comfort zone is to cross it and feel the discomfort."
I definitely believe that discomfort is the first stage toward growth. I also, for whatever stupid reason, didn't really consider how *necessary* it is to form these boundaries in existing relationships.
3) A definite realization of fear. To quote the book again:
"...it is true that sometimes an outside relationship will threaten to become primary and supplant the existing partner, and when this happens everyone involved will feel horrible, particularly the person who may lose his partnership. Especially when that person has struggled to own their jealousy, and worked hard on his fears of abandonment, only to find himself actually abandoned and left out in the cold."
This is a real fear. Not an active one, but a present one. This same threat exists under all circumstances though. Clearly not a fault of polyamory, though it would seem to have a higher probability of happening.
These three points taken together spell out the justifications in my previous entry. I wouldn't want to be in an envious situation that could have been prevented by placing boundaries to preserve the part of the primary relationship because I'm acting on my fears.
The book's point seems quite clear in taking care of yourself. If asking myself "What do I need?" I think I could honestly say it's affirmation. With some simple boundaries and affirmation that I truly was important ('cause everyone likes to be loved, and especially to hear it) I think it could be a marvelous situation.
Now I think I understand my 77%. I just needed a framework to organize my thoughts. Funny that.
(All quotes taken from: Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt; "The Ethical Slut"; Greenery Press, 1997. All rights reserved, da da da).
Earlier today I managed to track down a copy of The Ethical Slut and I've spent a good portion of the day reading through it. When I'm playing with a new idea or just exploring it for argument's sake I just want to dive in. Now that I'm slightly over 200 pages in I'm willing to really alter my previous statements. Not necessarily because I've learned a substantial amount, but rather because I've had it contextualized into something I can synthesize much easier. I know myself well enough to that when something sounds strange or foreign, I probably just don't know enough about it or I lack sufficient language to think about it properly.
Some of the major key points I'm currently rolling around with:
1) Incorrectly identifying jeolous responses. It wasn't until I saw these words in print that it really made sense. I don't really experience jealousy. At least now I'm willing to say that. What I do experience is envy, and that's easily mislabeled. I think I would be more concerned that my primary significant other and someone else had something that I couldn't offer. The taoist part of my brain knows this is silly. While anything is imperfect, it is perfectly itself. This would be a situation of me acknowledging the perfection of something being itself. Nothing more, and nothing less.
2) Boundaries and exploration. A small part of an interview between two committed, yet open offered this:
"Now we're trying to figure out what we're comfortable doing with other people, and what we want to reserve for our own relationship. Sometimes, the only way to locate the boundary of our comfort zone is to cross it and feel the discomfort."
I definitely believe that discomfort is the first stage toward growth. I also, for whatever stupid reason, didn't really consider how *necessary* it is to form these boundaries in existing relationships.
3) A definite realization of fear. To quote the book again:
"...it is true that sometimes an outside relationship will threaten to become primary and supplant the existing partner, and when this happens everyone involved will feel horrible, particularly the person who may lose his partnership. Especially when that person has struggled to own their jealousy, and worked hard on his fears of abandonment, only to find himself actually abandoned and left out in the cold."
This is a real fear. Not an active one, but a present one. This same threat exists under all circumstances though. Clearly not a fault of polyamory, though it would seem to have a higher probability of happening.
These three points taken together spell out the justifications in my previous entry. I wouldn't want to be in an envious situation that could have been prevented by placing boundaries to preserve the part of the primary relationship because I'm acting on my fears.
The book's point seems quite clear in taking care of yourself. If asking myself "What do I need?" I think I could honestly say it's affirmation. With some simple boundaries and affirmation that I truly was important ('cause everyone likes to be loved, and especially to hear it) I think it could be a marvelous situation.
Now I think I understand my 77%. I just needed a framework to organize my thoughts. Funny that.
(All quotes taken from: Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt; "The Ethical Slut"; Greenery Press, 1997. All rights reserved, da da da).
# posted by Chris/Stewy @ Monday, March 13, 2006 
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I read that book early on in my last relationship.
It is full of good ideas and it makes the lifestyle seem great and fulfilling and all that, but if you're going to try it I suggest teeny-tiny baby steps.
Vince and I tried openness for a long time, and I think a lot of our difficulty was that he did not make me feel primary -- when there was someone else he was chasing after I most definitely felt second-best, rather than feeling like I was #1 wife and he would have his fun and come back to me. It's a damn crappy feeling.
The best advice I can offer is set your boundaries where you want to set them, but be CLEAR about what you want and don't be afraid to assert yourself when something makes you uncomfortable. This was the other part of my problem -- I felt as though I was being unfair to say "no, I don't like it when you do that, you can do this but not those," etc. And so I said "go, go and do whatever you want, don't worry about me, I'll be fine," and then I felt like shit and cried and we fought and it was awful.
'Course, I got that whole woman-hormone thing going on. ;-)
It is full of good ideas and it makes the lifestyle seem great and fulfilling and all that, but if you're going to try it I suggest teeny-tiny baby steps.
Vince and I tried openness for a long time, and I think a lot of our difficulty was that he did not make me feel primary -- when there was someone else he was chasing after I most definitely felt second-best, rather than feeling like I was #1 wife and he would have his fun and come back to me. It's a damn crappy feeling.
The best advice I can offer is set your boundaries where you want to set them, but be CLEAR about what you want and don't be afraid to assert yourself when something makes you uncomfortable. This was the other part of my problem -- I felt as though I was being unfair to say "no, I don't like it when you do that, you can do this but not those," etc. And so I said "go, go and do whatever you want, don't worry about me, I'll be fine," and then I felt like shit and cried and we fought and it was awful.
'Course, I got that whole woman-hormone thing going on. ;-)
Yeah, I can definitely see the wisdom in that. At the current juncture I'm at in my life the feeling #1 is pretty much imperative. It isn't like my self-esteem is particularly fragile, but my mind definitely doesn't need that much vacuum to play around in. I guess I would call it an insecurity on my part. Granted, I'd say it's totally understandable. It's a semi-harsh adjustment to transition from being socially programmed to believe in one thing, and then to support your partner potentially having alternate relationships with others.
Teeny-tiny baby steps indeed.
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Teeny-tiny baby steps indeed.
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