Liquid Nonsense

I had a pretty great weekend. Late Saturday night I decided to head down to the neighborhood Hollywood Video to peruse the used (cheap) section to see what had been rotated out of the primary selection. The great thing about living in Scottsdale is that nobody buys things used. There is just something about "used" that is completely unappealing to the populous here. Their loss is totally my gain. I picked up the following:

Robot Stories
Layer Cake
The Life Aquatic
Me and You and Everyone We Know

Me and You and Everyone We Know, completely true to Heidi's word, was stunning. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you *need* to see this. This isn't a regular "need," like I need to buy groceries; this is a goddamn moral imperative. I am not the sort of individual that particularly enjoys love stories. I love sci-fi. I enjoy fantasy on occasion. This, however, was wonderful.

I don't think I've ever seen a love story where I actually "loved" the characters. Everyone is more than just alive; they have vivacity. Their pain is your pain. Their hope is your hope. I normally don't root for characters, but this time I wanted to shout for them.

At the risk of talking this movie to death I'm going to leave it at the point where I told you to go see it. I'm still going to hit one last point.

There's an exchange of dialog in the movie that essentially covers girls potentially losing their virginity to a man they know remarkably little about. The main point was "You know, I always thought I'd lose my virginity to, you know, my boyfriend or someone I loved." Which was responded to with "In a way this is a better, 'cause what if you screw up? It won't matter this way."

It's like when you hear something that's constructed with completely backward and flawed logic, but it still makes sense. I think I still have this mindset in a very real way. Who cares what strangers think? After all, I may never see them again. I'm the sort of person that doesn't mind making a fool of himself in crowds, because everyone is a stranger. Add some emotions and sentiments into the mix and things become far less clear. It just becomes an entirely different ballgame when you care.

What if I screw up? What if I'm reading into this wrong? What if, what if, what if? What if I'm a complete idiot? Lord knows I feel like it sometimes. Luckily I'm resilient and I can pick myself back up, dust myself off and say "tomorrow's another day," but it still stings to screw up.

Inadequacy is the name of this game. Like most things it has nothing to do with reality, but just the perception of reality. It just feels like everything right now is kind of haunting me. Supposedly CMU acceptance/rejection letters started going out Friday. Did I make it? I still don't know. Nevermind that all of my friends, and professors, and coworkers have essentially assured me of my admission. I still feel like I might not make it. I'm starting to think it's a sense of inadequacy buried in the back of my mind. I'm confident, but reserved. I want to be less reserved and more forward. More forward and more absolute with my moves.

Things I need to work on: my communication skills. They're great on paper, but I need to make them better in person. My patience... CMU needs to hurry the fuck up with their letters. I'm starting to go bat-shit-loco playing the waiting game.

If your going to send some love, now is the time to do it.