Monday, November 14, 2005
Metrics are important in life. They help one to gauge things- from what they were to what they have become. The "metrics" that I use in my life are my personal reactions and philosophies toward my own experiences and feelings. I remember holding very strong views for years, views that I thought were were set in stone, and then realizing that they had, in fact, changed.
It's not like these are sophisticated metrics that I can actually sit down and calculate with, but rather ones that make me sit and wonder what has really changed. The most substantial of these views changed several years ago with my opinions on drug usage. I remember a high school student that was adamant against them. I remember a high school student that looked down on others for what was thought to be a foolish practice. In retrospect I still disapprove of their choices; not because they were using drugs, but because they did it with the wrong frame of mind.
My errors were in my mindset. I wasn't considering all the perspectives and the all important reason why. Why do people engage in activities that we are told are "wrong?" After all, the Man has told us that the war on drugs and whatnot are there for our protection. Our protection from what? Ourselves? Getting munchies on Saturday night and realizing that the opening chords to Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here" would release the secrets of the universe?
I always suspected that the government was concealing part of the truth with the whole matter, but after trying it I caught a glimpse of the total idiocy involved. I think that marked a monumental change on the inside of my mind. My outward attitude remained the same and I continued with my ridiculously left thinking, but there was a little something else there.
I'm reasonably sure that I am standing on the precipice to the second major change in opinions I've held onto for a long time.
I've never really been one for the sort of "no strings attached sexual fun" that I think a lot of people probably, and ought to, engage in. Lately though I don't think that's quite so true. Somewhere along the line I think I altered my goals in dating and just changed my perspective, much in the way I now think of drug usage.
As mindless as those online surveys are, something tripped when I read "You have substantially higher intimacy and passion than average, but your search for commitment is markedly below average." Or something to that effect...I'm allowed to paraphrase. Regardless, I think seeing that in print really spelled things out for me. Why am I necessarily dating? I know that I tend to be a wanderer and that I like that my existence is largely solitary. It isn't that I'm not successful at dating, but is dating really the right path? Is my personal path of least resistance toward actualization actually in finding a committed significant other? I suspect that it is not.
I have phenomenal friends. I have many people in my life that I can say "I love you," to and actually mean it. I just want a little more sex in my life. That's about it. I'm happy, I've got a great job, and great friends. The prospect of graduate study is right around the corner where I can make a career out of my passions. This reminds me of the quote "Only stupid people have good relationships." I think I'm starting to see some more truth in this. It isn't necessarily that more intelligent people can't find hapiness, it's that they're buying into the wrong ideal.
The people that don't question their assumptions learn to be happy where they're at, and those that do learn that perhaps those assumptions are worth changing understand that maybe we just need a change of perspective.
I think I'm going to enjoy a slight change of lifestyle.
It's not like these are sophisticated metrics that I can actually sit down and calculate with, but rather ones that make me sit and wonder what has really changed. The most substantial of these views changed several years ago with my opinions on drug usage. I remember a high school student that was adamant against them. I remember a high school student that looked down on others for what was thought to be a foolish practice. In retrospect I still disapprove of their choices; not because they were using drugs, but because they did it with the wrong frame of mind.
My errors were in my mindset. I wasn't considering all the perspectives and the all important reason why. Why do people engage in activities that we are told are "wrong?" After all, the Man has told us that the war on drugs and whatnot are there for our protection. Our protection from what? Ourselves? Getting munchies on Saturday night and realizing that the opening chords to Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here" would release the secrets of the universe?
I always suspected that the government was concealing part of the truth with the whole matter, but after trying it I caught a glimpse of the total idiocy involved. I think that marked a monumental change on the inside of my mind. My outward attitude remained the same and I continued with my ridiculously left thinking, but there was a little something else there.
I'm reasonably sure that I am standing on the precipice to the second major change in opinions I've held onto for a long time.
I've never really been one for the sort of "no strings attached sexual fun" that I think a lot of people probably, and ought to, engage in. Lately though I don't think that's quite so true. Somewhere along the line I think I altered my goals in dating and just changed my perspective, much in the way I now think of drug usage.
As mindless as those online surveys are, something tripped when I read "You have substantially higher intimacy and passion than average, but your search for commitment is markedly below average." Or something to that effect...I'm allowed to paraphrase. Regardless, I think seeing that in print really spelled things out for me. Why am I necessarily dating? I know that I tend to be a wanderer and that I like that my existence is largely solitary. It isn't that I'm not successful at dating, but is dating really the right path? Is my personal path of least resistance toward actualization actually in finding a committed significant other? I suspect that it is not.
I have phenomenal friends. I have many people in my life that I can say "I love you," to and actually mean it. I just want a little more sex in my life. That's about it. I'm happy, I've got a great job, and great friends. The prospect of graduate study is right around the corner where I can make a career out of my passions. This reminds me of the quote "Only stupid people have good relationships." I think I'm starting to see some more truth in this. It isn't necessarily that more intelligent people can't find hapiness, it's that they're buying into the wrong ideal.
The people that don't question their assumptions learn to be happy where they're at, and those that do learn that perhaps those assumptions are worth changing understand that maybe we just need a change of perspective.
I think I'm going to enjoy a slight change of lifestyle.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
It is time for a change. Nothing quite as significant as a lifestyle change per se, but more of a blog change. My previous posts were made on MySpace, but that's just because I didn't have a better option available (those should be available here
) . I consider this more of a horizontal change than a vertical one, as in I'm not really moving "up" in the blog world so to speak. I still plan on writing my own blogging software (it's actually well underway) that will eventually be hosted on my own hardware, but this makes a great interim solution. So until then, expect my usual nonsense posts here.
I discovered today that the people coordinating FURI, the Fulton Undergraduate Research Initiative, have borrowed my poster from last year as a sort of "template" to explain to the new students what their work should look like when it's ready for presentation. I didn't find that poster to be all that fantastic, but I suppose the powers that be think otherwise. What made this particularly amusing to me is that I had no idea they (being the people with FURI) had held on to it. I assumed that my poster was in the same place all left socks and leprechauns go to when they don't want to be found, certainly not as the explanation for being a proper scientific presentation.
In a very bizarre way I wish I was more of a raving egomaniac. I wish that I didn't necessarily keep things in check. That's not to say that I don't have a very healthy sense of self, it just means I don't get to shout "I'm goddamn fucking brilliant," quite as often as I'd like. It's on the eve of these essay submissions, grant proposals, and general requests that are merit based that I tend to develop some self-consciouss behaviors. It isn't like me under normal circumstances to worry about these things or even connect them to a failed sense of competence to not win. Sometimes though, like now, the stakes are high enough that I would be somewhat pist (so pissed that I am forced to misspell the word). I want to be an NSF fellow. Fact of the matter is that this is one of those prestigious awards that shall forever appear on one's CV. It is a little sentence on an application that means "I come free of charge to your school, and I bring incredible amounts of funding."
This is not anyone else's want. This is not my parents vicariously living through me. This is not the pressure of my friends. This is my ego wanting verification, validation, and vindication. This is me wanting to be sitting at a top university with other students who are as jazzed about the work as much as me. This is a lot of things.
This is me wanting it to be April with acceptance letter in hand.
) . I consider this more of a horizontal change than a vertical one, as in I'm not really moving "up" in the blog world so to speak. I still plan on writing my own blogging software (it's actually well underway) that will eventually be hosted on my own hardware, but this makes a great interim solution. So until then, expect my usual nonsense posts here.I discovered today that the people coordinating FURI, the Fulton Undergraduate Research Initiative, have borrowed my poster from last year as a sort of "template" to explain to the new students what their work should look like when it's ready for presentation. I didn't find that poster to be all that fantastic, but I suppose the powers that be think otherwise. What made this particularly amusing to me is that I had no idea they (being the people with FURI) had held on to it. I assumed that my poster was in the same place all left socks and leprechauns go to when they don't want to be found, certainly not as the explanation for being a proper scientific presentation.
In a very bizarre way I wish I was more of a raving egomaniac. I wish that I didn't necessarily keep things in check. That's not to say that I don't have a very healthy sense of self, it just means I don't get to shout "I'm goddamn fucking brilliant," quite as often as I'd like. It's on the eve of these essay submissions, grant proposals, and general requests that are merit based that I tend to develop some self-consciouss behaviors. It isn't like me under normal circumstances to worry about these things or even connect them to a failed sense of competence to not win. Sometimes though, like now, the stakes are high enough that I would be somewhat pist (so pissed that I am forced to misspell the word). I want to be an NSF fellow. Fact of the matter is that this is one of those prestigious awards that shall forever appear on one's CV. It is a little sentence on an application that means "I come free of charge to your school, and I bring incredible amounts of funding."
This is not anyone else's want. This is not my parents vicariously living through me. This is not the pressure of my friends. This is my ego wanting verification, validation, and vindication. This is me wanting to be sitting at a top university with other students who are as jazzed about the work as much as me. This is a lot of things.
This is me wanting it to be April with acceptance letter in hand.
